Someone shit on the floor
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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