they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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