I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
