If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
