it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
