I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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