I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
