Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
