Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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