Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
