whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
