thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
