you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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