Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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