My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
