I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
