well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
