OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
