My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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