remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
