It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
