Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
