Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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