Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
