im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
