Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I am naked and annoyed.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
