I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
