The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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