there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
