barbara walters just said penis...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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