the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
