True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
