i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
