There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
