Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
