hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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