I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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