Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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