Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
