I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
