I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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