I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
