What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
