He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
