Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
