You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm gonna fight the coyote
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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