you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
