i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
