Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
