i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
