Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I have already put on my inside pants.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
