There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
