I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
